I first discovered porn when I was 11 years old and I have missed out on life from an addiction to it. Porn was an escape for me when I was first watching it, but masturbating recreationally turned into an addiction later on in life. All throughout high school, my testosterone was severely drained and this took a huge toll on my behavior: I wasn’t what women want, I’m still not. I have such a lack of testosterone, and it killed my confidence being rejected by women who didn’t think I was masculine enough. And let’s face it, what kind of girl wants a giggly, weak, unassertive, passive, and emasculate guy as a partner?
I only learned as an adult that so many women in my HS thought I was handsome… but they also thought I was gay because to them I wasn’t manly, and I don’t blame them because looking back on that time, I wasn’t. I was so drained of testosterone from my porn addiction and compulsive masturbation 5 times the night prior and I never had a relationship; I just had porn on my computer waiting for me at the end of the day. It continued on into college, I wasn’t able to get a woman and started growing really depressed and discouraged from trying to find a relationship. There was even a girl I met around that time I was crazy about who I genuinely felt like I would have done anything to be with, but the porn addiction was too strong and she eventually lost interest in me. I was bland. I wasn’t spicy or romantic or flirtatious or bold like how women want men to be. I was drained, emasculated, and with a problem that clung to me.
I grew very depressed and entered into a very dark stage: I was very antisocial and even tried to persuade myself that I was asexual because I was in denial about my incompetence. I also became very misogynistic and grew very angry at women thinking they were all objects with no feelings and only wanting money and will do anything for money at the expense of their own dignity. I stayed away from women for years fearing they wanted my money and before long I woke up one day in my late 20s realizing I wasted so much time avoiding women because of this disgusting perception that porn and the sex-industry had planted in my head.
I met a girl recently, and I’m trying so hard to be everything that she deserves and desires. However, this addiction is causing her to slip through my fingers.
My only regret was that I couldn’t make the changes in my life when I was still younger when I still had more energy. I regret so badly not taking chances with ladies when I had them in the palm of my hands because I was angry at them, or I was so depleted of confidence/desire.