I married a man who claimed that he really wasn’t that in to pornography,& the DVDs he had were given to him by other men.
Then mobile phones advanced to include the capability to view videos.
As far as I was aware we were happily married,the DVDs had been binned & sex was abundant.I was so crazy about him that I never felt the need or desire to use pornography for relief,& I still don’t.
10 years later pornsites had been providing the world with copious amounts of free,easy to access hardcore porn,& I was unfortunate enough to find it on his phone.
We had always been open & never had any need to hide anything regarding phones,laptops,passwords.
The feeling that washed over me was as if I’d discovered an affair.
I was too in shock to say anything,hoping it had been sent to him by someone else.
My paranoia & suspicion led me to search his history.This wasn’t a mistake but a regular,long term habit.
I felt betrayed,disgusted,angry.I couldn’t eat,sleep,couldn’t bear him anywhere near me.I fell in to a deep depression.I stopped enjoying life & have never cried so hard & so long.I wanted to go to sleep & never wake up.
After he confronted me with ‘my bad attitude’ it came spilling out.
I was told that I had to deal with it & get over it or there was no future for our marriage.
I adore my husband,so I had counselling,took anti depressants,tried to live with it.Drank too much.Acting like this was my fault to fix.
8 years on I’m still married to a porn user.But now he just lies about his viewing,especially when anyone brings up the subject in front of me.As if saying it to an audience will validate the lie.
The trust is gone,the respect,the desire.
I can’t leave the house without wondering how far down the road I get before he’s clicking on those sites.
One of my coping mechanisms has been to consume everything I can regarding the porn industry.It has been a very informative but sad eye opener.
I love my husband very much,but our relationship has changed beyond recognition & repair.
I’m less affectionate & very self conscious of my body,always thinking I’m being compared.When he instigates sex I never believe it’s because he wants me,it’s because he’s got himself worked up online.
I believe he loves me,but doesn’t desire me anymore.We don’t make love anymore,we just have sex.It’s purely for his relief.I’d happily become celibate.
He becomes very defensive & angry if I mention anything negative about the sex industry,but porn in particular.
It saddens me that a man would sacrifice what was a wonderfully close & loving relationship for something he doesn’t need,but wants simply because it’s easily available.
There isn’t enough space to express how much damage this industry does to everyone it reaches.
